My wife comes from a culture where people rarely tell each other “I love you.” Husbands don’t tell wives. Wives don’t tell husbands. Parents don’t tell children. Children don’t tell parents.
It’s implied. “You should know that I love you by my actions.”
So when we got married, my wife would get mad at me for always saying, “I love you.” She didn’t understand “why you Americans do that.”
I knew that it was important, but at the time, I couldn’t tell her why besides, “You need to hear it.”
It was only later as I understood more about the power of words that it hit me: I say I love you now to remind me that I love you when I don’t.
Okay, let’s phrase that another way.
In marriage — at least most marriages — couples argue.
Some argue a lot. I recently had a pastor tell me that he and his wife of 40 plus years argue all the time. “People would be surprised to see how much we argue, but it’s just how we’ve always been.” (They honestly have a very loving relationship. Their whole family is awesome and loving.)
My wife comes from a culture that argues — a lot! Even their daily speech sounds like they’re arguing with each other. Most of the time when my wife and I argue, it’s part of our communication process, and we move on. It’s usually, one of us says something, we argue, we reach a point of understanding, love on each other, and go on with our day.
But sometimes…
Before we go on, you have to know that I am the much more laid back one. Things usually just roll off me, so when I get truly upset, it’s something that hit me hard.
Sometimes my wife will say something or do something that crosses a line for me, and I get mad. It’s at these points that I “don’t love her” and imagine how much easier life would be without her.
But that is when all of those “I love you’s” do their work. I remember this is my wife that I chose to be with for better or worse. This is the wife that I honestly and truly love (even if I don’t in the moment).
Saying “I love you” is not just something nice to say, or something that we’re supposed to say. “I love you” is a declaration. It’s a declaration to my wife. It’s a declaration to God. It’s a declaration to Satan. It’s a declaration to myself.
It’s a prophetic declaration. “I don’t just love you right now in this moment. I love you for all time. I love you through thick and thin. I love you when we’re happily holding hands. I love you when I’d rather be strangling you. I love you when I want nothing to do with you. I love you.”
Saying “I love you” is powerful.
It may just seem like three little words. It may even sound cliché, or like something I’m supposed to say.
It’s not.
It’s a declaration that I will love this woman no matter what life throws at us. I will love her when she fusses at me. I will love her when she’s sick. I will love her when she fixes a delicious dinner. I will love her when she refuses to make dinner. I will love her when we have the best sex ever. I will love her when she’s too tired to have sex. I will love her when she is totally in love with me. I will love her when she can’t stand the sight of me.
I will love her in the good and the bad.
Of course I will love her by serving her. That’s her love language.
But I will also declare my love for her constantly. To remind me and to remind her. And to remind the whole universe.
Tell your wife, “I love you.”
Tell your husband, “I love you.”
Tell your kids, “I love you.”
Do it daily. Do it multiple times a day.
Then, when you argue, or when you feel like you don’t love your spouse, all of those “I love you’s” will rise up and say, “Yes, you do.”